Gollum gets a girlfriend
by Weisthecheese
Summary: Crossover w Lord of the Rings (duh) Bwa ha ha!


For those of you who think this is ridiculous: congratulations, you're obviously alive. We thought it was funny and we hope there are people out there open-minded enough to laugh at us. I mean, with us. I am Dreamer Wolf, your hostess for the evening. I wrote this along with Cowgirlup.

D/N: Dreamer's notes

C/N: Cowgirlup's notes

Disclaimer: ahem. It's not my fault they live in my closet. Really. I mean, I told them to get out weeks ago.

D/N: Come on people, you know it had to happen. And, uh, Cowgirlup gets to start! Woohoo. We'll be trading off every couple of paragraphs or so.

Ch.1- Gollum vs. the portkey

            "Dirty little hobbitses…." Gollum mumbled to himself. "They leaves us and gives us no loveses or kindnessessss. After all we did! Yes, I knows it. Stupid fat hobbit, we get nothing for our troubles…."

            He eyed the cold water, his anger receding into hunger. So many fishes! Their scales reflected the moon's slim rays, flicking water in glistening drops upon the shore. He licked his lips and steadied himself. He waited, crouching. One drew closer. He waited…waited…Now! He dove for it, hauling the struggling fish onto the shore. "Sweet fishes!" he crooned softly.

            He stroked the fish's scales once or twice, drooled, and viciously stuffed the fish's head in his mouth. Gollum bit down hard, with a crunch of splintering fishy bones, and ripped the head off, body still squished tightly in his fist. Gollum chewed sloppily, dribbling bits of fish stuff down his front.

            Something slowly floated by, catching Gollum's eye. It was shiny. Like his ring, the one the tricksy hobbit stole, it beckoned to Gollum. It was shaped like a cup with a plaque at the bottom. There was writing at the bottom, but did Gollum care about that? No, no. But he did want it.

            "Ours!" he hissed, reaching out for it. A slimy finger touched the hard gold.

            Suddenly his world was ripped apart. An invisible hook tugged him towards the shiny cup.

            "Puts us down!" he tried to shriek, but found no breath to get the word past his lips. His yellow eyes bulged and his fingers reached out to catch hold of something, anything!

            "Baggins!" he thought. Yes, Baggins must be the cause of all this. Little thief! Gollum should have _squeezed_ him. Squeezed until the nasty little hobbites's eyes had gone pop like the bubbles in the underground lake.

            There was no time to dwell on this rather comforting thought, though. As Gollum suddenly found himself back on the ground. And in horrid, cruel sunlight, too!

            "Aye, aye! What is this brightness we sees?! Gets it away, gets it awaaaay!" Gollum curled up into a little ball and shielded himself from the sunlight. "It is hit, yes it is! We's burning, burning! Goodbyes, cruel world, we is shriveling up to die, to rot, to _stink_ forever…whaaa!" Gollum shuddered and went limp, as if dead.

            (D/N: Good bye, cruel world?)

            (C/N: Duh, Gollum is a drama queen.)

            (D/N: no comment. My turn again.)

            (C/N: Fine, be that way.)

            (D/W: Always)

            Something zoomed by overhead, sending what bits of hair he had every which way. Gollum peaked out form under his arms where he had buried his face. He looked right: nothing. He looked left: same thing. Swallowing hard, he looked up.

            Gollum's eyes widened. Humans flying! Humans everywhere. Maybe not humans…Nazgul! Wraiths! He shrieked and dove to the side.

            The shriek caught the attention of one of the "wraiths"

            "What the-" The redhead looked down.

            The next thing he knew, several of the ugly wraiths had swooped down on poor Gollum. Some had looks of disgust on their ugly faces and others, like the redhead, appeared to be entirely amused.

            "What is it?" one of the wraiths mused. He poke Gollum in the ear, although he may not have known that's what it was. The wraith looked quite stupid.

            (D/N: and no, she's not bashing Ron. This is Gollum's p. o. v.)

            "Arg!" Gollum snarled, gnashing his teeth in the direction of the poke. "You ugly beasties! Imbeciles!  Stop poking us and lets us die in peace! Puh-lease!" He gave them a raspberry and tucked his lopsided head between his knees.

            "I think it's a really hideous and mutated grindylow…yeah, there about as ugly." The redhead said.

            "Oh move over!" a bushy brown haired girl said, pushing the redhead aside. "It's a poor dilapidated house elf, don't you see? Awe, his little ears are deformed. Come here little guy…"

            The bushy haired monster lifted Gollum into her arms.

            "No!" Gollum screamed. "We is not going anywhere! Lets us alone and go away! I want my precious!!!" Gollum whined and squeezed a few tears from his bulbous eyes.

            "Um, Hermione?" The black haired one eyed Gollum warily. "Are house Elves usually this, er, assertive?"

            "Well, no," the one called Hermione bit her bottom lip. "But it's a step in the right direction isn't it?"

            "If that's a step in the right direction, I think they're walking down the wrong road," the redhead muttered.

            Gollum snagged a fistful of Hermione's hair. With a yelp he was dropped unceremoniously on the grass.

            The redhead laughed out loud. "I knew one day a house elf was going to get you back fot all those clothes you tried to give them."

            Hermione looked daggers at the redhead. Gollum yipped and covered his head at the word clothes.

            "No, no! Robes of restraint is bad for us! Never again, no more! We is not insane, we swears it!"

            There wasn't a whole lot you could say to an outburst like that. The redhead whirled his finger around his ear behind Gollum.

            "Knock it off, Ron!" Hermione hissed, cuffing him upside the head. "You'll hurt his feelings!"

            "Whatever," Ron muttered under his breath.

            "I'm taking him to Hagrid's. I think he might be intelligent-" Herminone said.

            "Yeah, well we thought Ron was intelligent too, but…" George muttered to Fred.

            "Where the heck did you two come from?" Ron grumbled.

            "Heaven above, of course," Fred replied, using Ron's head as an armrest.

            "I think Filch might disagree." Harry mused aloud. The twins grinned innocently.

            Ignoring them all, Herminone resumed her task of dragging an unwilling Gollum off the quiditch field. Gollum kicked out and gnashed his teeth, but Hermione stubbornly persisted. Ron pushed Fred's arm off his head.

            "Go back to where you came from and let us get back to quiditch."

            Gollum was _not_ happy. "Puts us down! Evil wraiths!" He suddenly adopted a slightly more subdued tone. "We is only wanting the shiny cup in the water. Yes, yes. We finds it when we is catching fishes."

            "Who are 'we'?" Hermione asked curiously. "Do you have a friend around here somewhere?"

            Gollum shook his overly large head. "The bushy brown-haired one is stewpid…yes, yes. She is not knowing anything at all."

            Ron burst out laughing. "The 'house elf' you're trying to 'save' is insulting you. How ironic."

            Hermione only looked slightly perturbed. "I don't care. The poor thing has obviously been traumatized. He doesn't know what he's saying…"

            "we knows what we is saying!" Gollum screeched. "We is smart, yes we is." He continued to protest as they neared Hagrid's hut. Gollum hissed as he spottd fang. "Demon! Demons and orcses! Lets us go! Gollum, gollum."

            "What in the blazes is 'at?" Hagrid's huge frame appeared in his hut's doorway.

            "Hermione seems to think it's some abused house elf-" Harry started.

            "But I think she's nuts…it's a little too ugly. Even by a house elf's standards." Ron suppressed his laughter.

            "He is insulting us, he is! Ugly our butt…its he that's the ugly one, not us. Horrid fire for hair…" Gollum lunged at Ron and tried to bite off his ring finger. Herminone pulled him back.

            "See, he has feelings and you're being rude. Serves you right, Ron."

            "I dunno, Herminone," Hagrid cut off Ron's angry response. "Looks more like an over grown Hinkypunk to me."

            Gollum's cries out outrage at this insult were only exceeded by Ron's laughter. Even Harry joined in.

            "If that's a hnkypunk, I'm a frog." Ron gasped.

            "More like a toad," rumbled Hermione, but she looke dliek she was fighting a smile.

            "Well bring it inside." Hagrid plucked the squiring Gollum from Hermione's grasp and walked calmly into his house. The group followed closely.

Dreamer Wolf: Okay, before we get any flames, I just want to say **this is NOT a hermione/gollum thing**. Ewwww. Heck no. Guess who the title refers to though. And should we throw in Ron/hermione?  Since we're making this up as we go, suggestion are welcome.

Suggestion are welcome, reviews are awesome, and flames will be laughed at with no regard for the writer. Holds up a can of flame-b-gone Flame us. I dare you. No I don't, but…well, you get the idea.


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